I decided to interview a close friends mother for this work. She overcame some serious obstacles in her life and figured her story was worth digging into a bit. She had a child when she was fresh out of high-school, had a shotgun wedding with a man who was abusive, had a divorce with him, and worked three jobs to stay afloat. She sent her daughter to private school, had her involved with cheerleading, and flying planes. These are amazing things to bring to a child, especially in such circumstances. I wanted to touch into her resilience, and see what her mindset is that she not only was able to overcome these things, but to do it with a never fading smile.
We met in her home, and chatted over coffee and cookies in the kitchen. I started with a simple general question, “How would you describe yourself?”. After sipping her tea she replied:”I’m first and foremost a mom. It’s the most important, stressful and rewarding job of my life. I’m also a Para Educator and President in my union. I guess its safe to describe myself as a care taker.” I followed up with “Who has been most influential in your life?” Her answer came quick “My parents have defiantly been the most influential people in my life. Each showed me how to live by example. My Mother is a second generation Irish/German. She is strict and strong. She taught me that the time to be weak is when your alone or with loved ones. Never show your weaknesses in public or you could be perceived as a hysterical woman. A woman has to keep an even tone and speak firmly when mad or she will not be taken seriously. That lesson has really helped me to advocate for myself and others successfully.”
Attempting to dig more into this I asked “What about your father?” and again she replied quick. ”Once, when I was a teenager, my father explained something that I’ll never forget. “No child in the history of children, has ever asked to be born. Parents bring them into the world and it is their job to make their children a step better than themselves…you bring a kid into the world, its your job to sacrifice for them. No child should sacrifice for a parent.” I know that was his mantra, he definitely lived by it. Every day he was up early for work and often worked double shifts to support us. It wasn’t easy.”
I wanted to understand what was getting her through, what kept her moving forward. For some its prayers, and others its their friends or family. I asked “If you had a mantra, what would it be? Are they words that you live by?” After a moment of thought and another cookie down she thoughtfully replied “I do have a mantra . . . I absolutely have lived by it. I don’t care what anyone ever tells you, “where there is a will, there is almost always a way”. No matter how obscure or seemingly hard to reach; do not believe anyone when they tell you that you can’t. Find that out for yourself.” I could not have expected a better, more fitting answer. Trying to follow that by getting a bit more personal I asked “What is your greatest regret?” wasting no time and clearly trying to say it in a way I would take with me afterwards ”My greatest regret is the limited mind set that I had for a long time. I did not understand that everything is attainable for everyone. It wasn’t until I had my daughter that I realized how much I was restraining myself. I had to reprioritize my life to show my daughter that anything you want is attainable as long as you really want it.”
Continuing from this, “How did you reprioritize your life?”,”I was 21 when I got married and had a child. The focus of my life went from being completely on myself to putting my daughter first. I realized that there were people that were no longer welcome in my life; they were a bad influence. I started to look for opportunities for her to experience things that I never experienced or learned. It was expensive but I found that there were plenty of ways to work off tuition to private school, cheerleading and aviation. I also found that people wanted to help to give my daughter a better life. I learned to swallow my pride and allow others to impart what they could. Both my daughter and I became better people because of it.” I wanted to press on this point a bit, so I asked: ”Who were the other people that helped out?”. “Of course my parents and siblings were huge influences in her life and exposed her to so many interesting experiences. What amazed me was how others offered and asked if it was ok to do things with her. It’s interesting, when people see someone doing their best to parent and they are open to others about it, they want to help out. One had my daughter over to play with baby animals that he was raising for a zoo. She played with a tiger, mountain lion, legless lizards and snakes. A pilot took her under his wing and taught her to fly and stunt in soar planes. One woman, my daughter knick named Mrs. Clause because she always had little gifts for her and gave her western horse back stunting and riding lessons. One of her friends was moving to Chicago. Her mother asked if my daughter could come for two weeks to help her daughter to meet local kids and to learn how to use bussing and subways before the school year started.”
“That must have been scary . . . “ She shook her head still calmly sipping her tea,”It was, but it wasn’t at the same time. She was 12 and her friend was 13. They were mature enough to handle it, and they did. The worry that I had was how others in society would judge my decision. We live in a helicopter parent society; I never thought it was healthy. I wanted my daughter to become an independent, self assured woman. That does not happen over night, it takes time and experience.” Curious at this point I asked “Do you ever feel judged because you did not follow conventional parenting?” she laughed as she answered “Absolutely, between being a young mother and wanting to open the world to my daughter, people thought I was irresponsible. The truth is, I work in a school and I have seen how such sheltered children do not have the tools they need to survive socially when they go away to college.” “So, you think people should give their children more freedom?” ”Absolutely! I mean, I do not believe in letting children go “feral,” as my father said, children need their parents attention and sacrifice. Entirely too many sit their children in front of the TV with a frozen dinner. However, I do believe that we need to go back to basics. We need to let our children go back to being “free range.” They learn self management and how to overcome adversity. They get physical activity and use their imaginations to play.“
An interesting thought I wanted to address, “Not enough parents allow their children to play?”,
“Everyone needs down time. Children today have everything managed for them. Play dates, sports, social media, video games etc. My students have lost creativity over the last 10 years. Every year it is getting worse. They need step by step directions for art projects. None create for the fun of it anymore. They are putting off getting jobs and their drivers licenses, they have social media relationships but do not date. They are simply not raised as part of a society, they are being raised in a “safety-bubble”. They aren’t being raised to be functioning adults, they are victims of a societal movement that is arresting their development. Playing would be good start to fixing it.” As we started wrapping up the interview (due to the lack of cookies and tea) I said “As you said, where there is a will, there is a way. Maybe in time people who think like you will start a new movement. Maybe children will create, play and finish growing into the adults they were born to be.” She smiled and shrugged a bit as she said “I hope so.” By the end of the conversation I had a new perspective and approach to problems. I learned to embrace freedom, mistakes, and to never let anything get me down. I also learned a good cup of tea can make any conversation a bit nicer.
Catherine Orozco 