I have always been a girl to go off of feeling. A girl to run and do things on a whim. Going to do something with no other reason then it sounded like a good idea at the time. I don’t have many regrets in my life at all. In fact I can only think of one at the moment. The only reason I have the regrets that I do have is because I didn’t do what I wanted to do. I listened to others and followed what was expected of me, not what my heart said was right for me. I fell into situations I shouldn’t have, and met people I am thankful for….and others I wish I never met. Actually now that I think about it theres only two people I met that I am happy about meeting. Everyone else caused me grief.
I am searching for soul. I am searching for happiness. I am searching through the mist to find my path again. Unfortunately its hard to search for anything when you’re not sure exactly what you’re really searching for. Maybe its just searching to find my place amongst all of this madness, or maybe its searching to find the gold at the end of the rainbow. Maybe its searching for a hand to hold, a heart to love, and the words “everything is ok, I will always be here for you”. Maybe its just searching for my next meal and taking it day by day. Maybe there is nothing to search for at all. Maybe I am causing my own grief and there is nothing to be found.
I run to where the warmth is. I sit through the bitter cold. I let the freezing rain run down my body in the dead of night. I wait. Once the light hits me I’m off like a shot. Running towards that feeling, running to the lost want. Running towards the end of my searching. Just as I stretch out my hand towards the light to grab it for myself I am always stopped by a dark cloud that dims the path, sending me back to my post of darkness.
Maybe its never meant to be. Maybe its not right for me. Some people just may never be able to find that lost something. But I don’t want that to be me. I never wanted this to be me. We are supposed to be our own masters. Our own makers of our own realities. Why don’t I feel like I have control over me. I am forever being taken by the wind.
Catherine Orozco 